Monday, August 18, 2014

the cat's in the cradle.

I've been thinking an awful lot about time and seasons lately.
I think it's partly because it's back to school season and in just a few short days I'll be bidding three out of four little benders good-bye while they wear backpacks that look way too big for them, and shoes that still look shiny and new. The times, they are a-changin'.
I've also been watching the Wonder Years a lot lately and that'll do it every time. 

For the past week or so, this verse has been gnawing away at me in a way that's good for my soul.

"Teach us the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom."
"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." 
 psalm 90:12

I've been simmering away in this idea of being a person who's able to discern the seasons of life rather than watching life tick by; as Mark Buchanan said, 
"Teach us that this is not just another day of the week, but the day that the LORD has made.

When I actually stopped and considered that I was a little bit wrecked. 
I forget that every day. 
Literally, every day.

I'll just be honest right now and level with you: 
I'm one of those people who always has a plan. 
I might try to fool you with my easy-breezy "it's all good, I'm easy, no worries, it happens when it happens" lingo (with some maxi skirts, messy hair and folk songs thrown in), but at the core of me is a type A, organized, git 'er done nut. 
I walk fast, talk fast, drive fast, cook fast, and if it were a thing, I'd parent fast. 
Slowing down is really hard for me, and one of the biggest hurdles for me to hurl myself over in having kids is simply being flexible. 
I like lunch to happen at lunch time. And naps to happen at nap time. 
I like my Bible time to be regular and uninterrupted.
If bedtime is late I might kill someone. 
I like to be on time for the times that I've set up.
I vacuum on Monday.
I run errands on Wednesday. 
I workout at 9:00am for half an hour- it's t25, and I have a schedule. 
Every day is, in my mind, broken up into these chunks of time, that if everything goes according to my plan, will end up with me having some me time- lately spent sewing, reading, selling my clothes on Facebook, or anything else that's more fun without kids. 
I'm a time hoarder.

It's super easy for me to reminisce and pine for "the good ol' days" pre-kid, when I could do what I wanted when I wanted to- whether it was a road trip, a job, reading a book, trying a restaurant, or taking a long shower without hearing anyone's screams beyond the closed door.  I'm great at longing for the days that I hope are yet to come, that in my optimistic mind, are filled with new places, Ricky Bender, friends and fun.
But it is not super easy for me to just enjoy the day. Like this one. Monday. Right now. 

"Teach us the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom."
Can you imagine how convicted I've been lately?

Mysterious illnesses pop up at nap time.  
Pants get peed in at the worst times. 
Little people who pepper me with questions all day, and actually want me to answer so badly that they'll stand there and keep asking the same question until I do, surround me like lions surround a kill.  
Hugs when I'm busy.
Bandaids and kisses when I'm on the phone. 
Reassurances of love and affection (or food) at those rare moments that I actually have a minute to hang out with a friend. 
We haven't even gotten to the age where there's sex questions, make up or boyfriends yet. 
Kids are not convenient. Ever. 

Now throw this quote in there, like the cherry on top of the conviction sundae, 
"My whole life I have been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted, until I discovered that interruptions were my work." (Henri Nouwen)
dang it. 

You guys, I am not gaining a heart of wisdom as I consider the brevity of life. 
I am not discerning the seasons with my kids.
I'm having a hard time really even noticing them some days. 

Do you ever feel like that? 
It could easily just be me. I'm sort of a jerk sometimes

It's been my prayer and hope lately to let the Holy Spirit apply these words to my heart, and teach me in wisdom. 
And can I just tell you, it's been a good, precious and valuable thing. 
I've noticed lego creations and pirate princess birthday parties, where I usually see a mess. 
Lotta twirls around in a circle on her tiptoes every time she gets dressed. 
I never noticed that. 
Fin cracks up at every single one of Caleb's jokes and then spends the day trying to retell those jokes. 
She's really, really funny. 
And it's good to be their mommy.
Right now. 

The old people at the grocery store and the folk singers are right, y'all. 
Enjoy these days because they go by so fast.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
Prov. 19:21