psalm 23.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness 

For His name's sake. 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death;

I will fear no evil;

For you are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me 

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD 

Forever.

Lately I've been in Psalm 23 close to every day. 

It's not just for the kids, people. 

Have you ever thought about how sometimes paths of righteousness lead you into the valley of the shadow of death? 

I've been thinking about that, too. 

Sometimes, when you let your life be led in obedience to Jesus the valley will be dark. 

I don't think many Christians like to think about that. Or talk about it. 

Because we're more than conquerors, right? 

So if I can just squeeze out enough smiles on a Sunday morning;

if I can just get my Christianeze answers right enough, sprinkled with the appropriate amount of  scripture, when people ask me how I'm doing;

maybe I can pretend hard enough 

that the valley times don't hurt.

And that sometimes life is just plain hard,

people are mean,

good work isn't always rewarded, 

stuff breaks,

kids get devastating diseases

and it's hard to wake up and face the day. 

When these words of psalm 42 ring so very true in your soul, "My tears have been my food day and night... Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me?" 

I think of Abraham, leaving his comfy home in Ur because the LORD called him to leave.
Along the way, Abraham had to bury his father.
He almost lost his wife twice.
He lost his nephew when Lot went to Sodom.
He lost his son when he sent Ishmael away.

I think of Jeremiah the prophet, pleading with Judah to repent that they wouldn't be led into captivity- hearing from the LORD and prophesying truth in the midst of "holy" people who didn't want to hear it. 

He ended up imprisoned, put into stocks and cast into a pit.
He wrote a book called Lamentations... I mean come on, lamentations?
You'd think that book would be a real drag, right?
But in the midst of the lamenting, Jeremiah comes out with
Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion,"
says my soul,
"Therefore I hope in Him!" 
Lamentations 3:22-24

In the valley times of confusion and hurt, our Great Shepherd is willing to come
and meet us there.
Maybe He won't remove us from the valley, but

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death;

I will fear no evil;

For you are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Have you ever noticed in psalm 23 that it isn't until David comes to the valley of the shadow of death that "He" changes to "You?" David isn't talking about the LORD in third person anymore.
Jesus wants to bring you near, weaving scriptures like John 16:33 or Romans 5:3-6 in the deep places of your heart.
That where bitterness would take root, the light and truth of
God's words to you would flourish instead.

Unless Your law had been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction.
I will never forget Your precepts,
For by them You have given me life.
psalm 119:92

Can I get an amen?

In his book A Future and A Hope, John Courson said this:

Why is it that some Bible teaching is powerful and impacting, while the same exact message, given by someone else, is devoid of power and anointing? It's because sermons, which are born in the head, only reach other heads. It takes a sermon born in one's heart and borne out of one's life to touch other hearts and lives. In any particular message, you may not 'give your testimony'; but if you've lived through the passage, if you've experienced it in some way, there will be an incarnational nature to it- human flesh embodying God's Spirit- which will impact hearts and touch lives. The power lies in allowing the message to become incarnational, the doctrine to become reality, the Word to become flesh.

For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.
 2 Corinthians 2:5


Maybe you're in the valley of the shadow of death.
But Christian, take heart!
King Jesus is with you- He is near to the broken hearted.
He is Emmanuel, God with us- God with you.
He is for you-
working that you would be planted in His righteousness.

And truly,

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me 

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD 

Forever.

This book is an oldie, but it's a goodie:
A Future and A Hope, by Jon Courson.
And Ricky's favorite book, A Shepherd's Look at Psalm 23 by Philip Keller.

This clip is just a little bit from our pastor in Santa Barbara, Britt Merrick, in a sermon after his eight year old daughter had been diagnosed with cancer for the third time. It's tremendously encouraging.

ten years, baby.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. 

We were wee babes. 

We've lived in ten homes in three states, had four amazing kids, and countless beautiful and inspiring relationships. We've gone through times of loneliness, frustration and no cash to pay the bills. Then there have been times of abundance, joy and huge belly-laughs. I wouldn't change one moment. 

This life is a treasure. 

I'm so blessed to look back and remember that my God is faithful. The same God who was faithful in His promises to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is faithful to His promises to us. The same God who told Abraham when everything was bleak and impossible, "Don't be afraid, I am your shield, your exceeding great reward," tells me that my inheritance is the LORD, that He will show me the path of life, and that in His presence is the fullness of joy. (psalm 16) 

God is faithful to keep His promises. 

In days filled with tears and faith that wanes in the dark and scary places: God is faithful. In the same way that He said to Joshua "as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you," my Jesus tells me not to let my heart be troubled; not only is He preparing a place for me in heaven, but while I'm here He's given me a Helper, the Spirit of truth- who dwells with me and will even be in me. (John 14:1 & 16-17) The Holy Spirit who intercedes for us, comforts us and leads us into truth- He is for me. 

In those dark days, Jesus is faithful. 

In the huge belly-laugh days, Jesus is faithful. 

In those prayers that feel unnoticed, cloudy and impossible, Jesus is faithful. 

Our faith changes with moods and circumstances. 

Praise the LORD we have a King and Captain who is the same yesterday, today and forever. 

When we only see impossibilities, weakness and unbelief, Jesus is faithful to hear our cries of "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief!" Our Redeemer changes us with the promise of His presence, His mighty and compassionate hands; able to change our unbelieving hearts that we would finally come to a place of rest, knowing that He hears, He knows, and He's at work.  

We can rest because our Father is faithful to keep His promises. 

We can prevail in prayer because we know that He hears and answers. 

God promised Abraham a nation through His son. 

Twenty-five years later that son was born. 

God isn't slack concerning His promises to us- even in the gaps of time when it seems like nothing is happening. 

Friends, God is faithful. 

We are finally, after ten years, beginning to understand that if there's one thing that Jesus would have us learn together it's simply to wait on Him, because He is faithful. To cling to Him in prayer, unwilling to let go until we receive the blessing that comes from His hand. We've laid down ministry, guitars, jobs, homes, friends- sometimes willingly in obedience, but often as a last resort. We've been impatient and frustrated for so much of that time, not understanding why we would be in such a season to wait, when it seems like so many people we know are moving forward in calling and in ministry. 

Maybe you understand what I'm talking about. 

Maybe you're in that same season. 

We wait with promise. We wait with hope. 

"He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it. " I Thessalonians 5:24

Truly, when we're pressing in and clinging to our King in prayer we find new strength, renewed in His promises, anchored in hope that lasts because it's hope in the Risen One, our Conquering King Jesus, seated on the throne in heaven. The One who could calm the seas with His voice, make blind eyes see- the One who tasted death and was the Victor over it, crushing satan beneath His heel. 

For those friends and family members that you continue to intercede over- God is faithful. In those cities, workplaces and neighborhoods that seem impossibly dark and unreachable- God is faithful. 

Husbands and wives, as you seek the Lord together on behalf of your families, jobs and cities- God is faithful.

As you pray together He will show Himself strong in your home and in your marriage, that together you might shout from the mountaintops- like a battle cry in this world: 

Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

that the tears would flow.

I've been reading some crazy good books lately. 

The kind of books that'll rip your face off and change your life. 

I love those kinds of books. 

There's one story, though, of a man in Scotland that I keep musing over. And I feel like this little snippet in this little chapter just kinda, sorta puts into words the longings of our hearts in the Bender home lately. Not that we're there, but this is the there that we want to be. 

The chapter is from a book called Revival Praying, by Leonard Ravenhill (seriously best name ever, right?) And the chapter is titled Deep Calleth Unto Deep. Mr. Ravenhill tells just a bit of the story of a preacher in Scotland, Robert Murray McCheyne. 

He tells us how McCheyne was a great scholar, well-versed in Hebrew, Greek and Latin. He also wrote great hymns and painted beautiful pictures, but "Robert Murray McCheyne excelled in a greater art than any of these or all of them combined, for McCheyne is remembered as a man of prayer.... 'How real God is!' he once said to himself. 'God is the only person I can talk to.'" 

After McCheyne died and people would visit his church, the reality and impact of this praying man lingered. Visitors at this church are shown to the chair where McCheyne used to sit, told to put their elbows on the table and rest their face in their hands and then instructed "Now let the tears flow. That was the way Mr. McCheyne used to do." 

The visitor may next be led to the pulpit where this passionate preacher had stood and again, with elbows on the pulpit and face in hands "Now let the tears flow. That was the way Mr. McCheyne used to do!" 

As we've prayed over this city- this hard, broken and dry city- the Holy Spirit has at last brought us to this place where we would cry out, begging Jesus that the tears would flow- that our tears would flow with hearts broken by the mercy and grace of King Jesus. That as Jeremiah wept over Judah and Jesus wept over Jerusalem, we would weep over Denver. 

"We are wondering why God does not move; He is wondering why we do not break! We have His exceeding great and precious promises and wonder why He does not oblige; He wonders why we do not obey! We wish He would bend low; He wishes we would break down."

This is the kind of stuff that would change our lives. 

Hallelujah Jesus. 

number four.

My little girls are turning four tomorrow, and it's making me so darn introspective! 

I start thinking back to what it was like when we had these two pretty, perfect little babies and I can't not think about the friends that we had in our lives at the time. Like it's impossible. I had two babies and a four year old little boy. 

I needed help. 

And praise the LORD, I got it. 

I'm thinking about how I didn't have to cook for a month and a half- and I'm not exaggerating. Friends brought us food, strangers brought us food, Caleb's preschool teacher brought us food, all of the moms at preschool brought us food, more friends brought us food, people sent us gift cards; it was amazing. 

I'm thinking about the sweet friends who were so mindful of Caleb that they would take him to birthday parties that I couldn't get to with two newborns. Friends who would pick him up in the morning and let him just soak up in some glorious boy time at their house for the day. I'm thinking of friends that I could text on the way to church if Ricky was working, knowing that they'd help me with this crazy mess of kids that I was still learning to cope with. Friends who'd run out of their house when I pulled up to take a kid out of the car because I just didn't have enough hands. Friends who are incredibly thoughtful, generous, fun and kind. 

I love that I can't think of my two little best friend twins without thinking of so many of my own friends. 

To a recovering, struggling perfectionist who gets so caught up in her "I can do it all on my own, just sit back and watch me be awesome" attitude, needing and receiving all of this help was extremely humbling and an extremely practical way for me to see how lame it is to try to be super awesome all by yourself.  Friends. Family. Thank you for showing my family so much genuine and real love. 

Sometimes I wonder if the reason Jesus gave me so many kids is simply to help me get over myself. 

But that's another blog, another day. 

And now I have these funny, beautiful, thoughtful, often generous, (mostly) kind little girls. Jovie's not scared to sneak a handful of cake (yes, handful) and give it to Lotta before sneaking her own handful of cake. 

"Here you go, Lala."

"THANKS JOBIE!" 

"Sure, hon!" 

Friendship. It's a beautiful thing. 

Happy birthday, my Loretta Joy and Jovie Grace. You've brought more Joy and Grace into my life than I ever could imagined. I love you. And everyone who I'm sharing this birthday with: thank you. I love you, too. 

baby steps.

Do you ever go through seasons of life where you feel like you're telling yourself the same thing day in and day out? I'm thinking of Bill Murray in What About Bob, "baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, baby steps."

For me these days it's, "eyes on Jesus, eyes on Jesus, eyes on Jesus." In awesome stuff, in weird stuff, in painful stuff, in exciting and fun stuff, in all the stuff, I want my eyes on Jesus.

Lately that's been hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting myself. (Romans 7, much?) Or like my heart just isn't in it. So I need this reminder today- a reminder of who I'm setting my eyes on and why.

Eyes on Jesus- the very One who made Himself of no reputation, took the form of a slave and came to earth as a man. Jesus, the One who humbled Himself to the point of death, even death on the cross. Jesus, the Risen One, the exalted One- the One to whom every knee is gonna bow and every tongue is gonna confess that He is LORD. (philippians 2:5-11) Jesus.

I write this because I need to hear it.

Seeing Jesus, who is crowned with glory and honor; Jesus, who by the grace of God tasted death for everyone. For me and for you. Jesus, the captain of our salvation. (hebrews 2:9-10) Aaaaah, Jesus.

Eyes on Jesus. The Risen One. The Captain and The King.

In the midst of whining and bills and friends and church and backyard projects and family and birthday parties and dinner and more whining and unsuccessful nap times and laundry and work schedules: Eyes on Jesus, Keri. Eyes on Jesus.

"Looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (hebrews 12:2)

All the junk doesn't just go away. (At least it hasn't for me.) But the Holy Spirit is able to do the impossible and change our perspectives- instead of this stupid egocentric thing I've got going on, the Holy Spirit brings that Jesus-centric focus and it changes my Thursday. It changes my parenting. It changes my relationships- we're freed from operating from a point of competing and getting what's owed to us. It's the gospel over legality- it's Jesus' work over mine.

It's life-changing.

He removes our need to compete and strive because our identity isn't wrapped up in us anymore. Our identity is wrapped up in our Victorious, Righteous, Faithful, Loving, Beautiful Savior; and there's nothing on earth or in heaven that compares.

Eyes on Jesus. Thinking about Him. Talking with Him. Enjoying Him. Loving Him. Eyes on Jesus.

"Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart,
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all."

please don't take this the wrong way, but:

My Bible sass rant.

I'm feeling pretty sassy this morning. 

That's a disclaimer for what's about to come. 

(Also, the vibe in my house right now is LOUD. I have four kids with leg warmers on their arms singing "Born to be Wild" as part of a "surprise party" they're throwing for Caleb. His birthday is in November.)

On Mother's Day some family of ours ended up at a church where the pastor taught through 1 Corinthians 13- you know, the love chapter. And since it was Mother's Day, he taught that mom was patient and kind; mom does not envy, parade herself or boast. I really can't even keep going with this because I already feel like throwing up a little. 

All week I've been thinking about this. And maybe that's why, as I sit down at my computer, I'm sassy.  

I'm mad. 

We cringed and squirmed through a very similar teaching last Mother's Day at a different church that we (fortunately) didn't attend for long. 

So I maybe I just need to vent a little. Maybe you heard something similar last Sunday. 

THE BIBLE IS NOT ABOUT YOU. 

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR MAMA, EITHER. 

THE BIBLE IS ABOUT JESUS. 

Already, I feel so much better. 

Pastors, do you want to encourage a mom on Mother's Day? How about this: Pray for the mamas. Lay hands on the precious mommies your church is blessed to have and pray that the Holy Spirit would enable them to do the impossible and love their kids. Young mommies, old mommies- moms who are seeing all of their kids walk with Jesus and moms who have wayward kids; moms who work, moms who stay home; moms who are weary, sad, guilty, tired, stoked, passionate and lonely. 

You wanna have a serious impact on the next generation? Start praying for those moms.

But please, don't get up there and teach that moms are the standard of love. Because that's more pressure than anyone needs (that, and it's totally not true.) Bring the mommies to Jesus. Remind them of how deep the Father's love is for them. Bring them to His never-ending well of mercy and grace and help them to draw from that- from Him. 

To my mom friends, who are in the trenches with me, who struggle to find time to read the Bible, who have a hard time praying much more than "Jesus, help. Please help," the work you're doing matters. You are not doing "lesser things." 

 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)

Find your rest in Jesus today. He's the standard- you can't be the standard. That's the gospel. Our standard wasn't good enough, not loving enough. And so we need to invite Jesus in- to let His standard and His love work in and through us. Are you having a hard time? Run to Jesus. When my twins were babies and I was pregnant with Fin, my refuge and prayer closet was my car. I'd strap those kids in, we'd drive up the coast and I'd pour my tired and overwhelmed heart out to Jesus. 

It's okay to let those perfect mom walls down. 

Proverbs says this: "He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge." (Proverbs 14:26) 

Let's do that.

I feel like my soul just sighed with relief. 

Thanks for letting me vent. 

mother's day.

I have four kids. In those four kids, I have one who's just like me. Painfully so. If you've met me and you've met my kids for like a minute, you know- Jovie Grace and I were cut from the same passionate, explosive, bossy and sometimes tender cloth. I love her to pieces, she cracks me up, but that girl can be the turdiest turd. Just like her mama. Maybe you have one of those, too, and so you understand right now why I need to do this: 

Give me a minute to thank my mom. 

Mom, thank you for teaching me to use the toilet. 

Thank you for teaching me basic social skills. Like not strangling people, pushing them into walls or down the stairs when they touch my stuff. 

Thank you for not just whacking me with a hairbrush every time you brushed my hair and I screamed like a banshee. 

Thank you for not banning me from crayons, play-dough or food forever.  

Thank you for making me do chores. 

Thank you for not making horrible, awful fun of me (at least to my face) every time I liked a boy in Jr. High and High School. 

Thank you for not beating me when I painted Thomas with nail polish. 

Thank you for not beating me when I made Thomas eat bunny poop. 

Thank you for not beating me when I covered Keith in Vaseline. 

This could get really long and embarrassing, so I'm done. 

Being a mom is weird. 

And it's taught me more about the gospel and God's love for me than anything I could dream up myself. I'm not perfect. And my love isn't either. But even when my kids are wrecked, I love them. I'll take their sticky face kisses and their Dorrito cheese hugs. They can suck at every aspect of life and I love them. If you're a mom, you know. 

You think about them when you're away from them. You remember their sweet little smiles and tender hugs. You rejoice over their little victories like they just won the World Series- that poop that finally made it in the toilet is worth a standing ovation. You have hopes and dreams for them that would blow their little minds. You make sacrifices for them without even seeing them as sacrifices because you love them. You put them in time-out, spank or ground them because you don't want to raise little psycho-paths.  

If that doesn't remind you of God's great love for you even a little, I don't know what will. 

Mamas. 

Friends. 

Remember the gospel. Remember Jesus. Remember that His love for you doesn't change when you're "good" or when you're "bad." He loves you when you poop your pants. He rejoices with you when you finally get it in the toilet. 

I have twins who are three.

Happy Mother's Day.