the cat's in the cradle.

I've been thinking an awful lot about time and seasons lately.

I think it's partly because it's back to school season and in just a few short days I'll be bidding three out of four little benders good-bye while they wear backpacks that look way too big for them, and shoes that still look shiny and new. The times, they are a-changin'.
I've also been watching the Wonder Years a lot lately and that'll do it every time. 

For the past week or so, this verse has been gnawing away at me in a way that's good for my soul.

"Teach us the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom."

or

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." 

 psalm 90:12

I've been simmering away in this idea of being a person who's able to discern the seasons of life rather than watching life tick by; as Mark Buchanan said, 

"Teach us that this is not just another day of the week, but the day that the LORD has made." 

When I actually stopped and considered that I was a little bit wrecked. 

I forget that every day. 

Literally, every day.

I'll just be honest right now and level with you: 

I'm one of those people who always has a plan. 

I might try to fool you with my easy-breezy "it's all good, I'm easy, no worries, it happens when it happens" lingo (with some maxi skirts, messy hair and folk songs thrown in), but at the core of me is a type A, organized, git 'er done nut. 

I walk fast, talk fast, drive fast, cook fast, and if it were a thing, I'd parent fast. 

Slowing down is really hard for me, and one of the biggest hurdles for me to hurl myself over in having kids is simply being flexible. 

I like lunch to happen at lunch time. And naps to happen at nap time. 

I like my Bible time to be regular and uninterrupted.

If bedtime is late I might kill someone. 

I like to be on time for the times that I've set up.

I vacuum on Monday.

I run errands on Wednesday. 

I workout at 9:00am for half an hour- it's t25, and I have a schedule. 

Every day is, in my mind, broken up into these chunks of time, that if everything goes according to my plan, will end up with me having some me time- lately spent sewing, reading, selling my clothes on Facebook, or anything else that's more fun without kids. 

I'm a time hoarder.

It's super easy for me to reminisce and pine for "the good ol' days" pre-kid, when I could do what I wanted when I wanted to- whether it was a road trip, a job, reading a book, trying a restaurant, or taking a long shower without hearing anyone's screams beyond the closed door.  I'm great at longing for the days that I hope are yet to come, that in my optimistic mind, are filled with new places, Ricky Bender, friends and fun.

But it is not super easy for me to just enjoy the day. Like this one. Monday. Right now. 

"Teach us the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom."

Can you imagine how convicted I've been lately?

Mysterious illnesses pop up at nap time.  

Pants get peed in at the worst times. 

Little people who pepper me with questions all day, and actually want me to answer so badly that they'll stand there and keep asking the same question until I do, surround me like lions surround a kill.  

Hugs when I'm busy.

Bandaids and kisses when I'm on the phone. 

Reassurances of love and affection (or food) at those rare moments that I actually have a minute to hang out with a friend. 

We haven't even gotten to the age where there's sex questions, make up or boyfriends yet. 

Kids are not convenient. Ever. 

Now throw this quote in there, like the cherry on top of the conviction sundae, 

"My whole life I have been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted, until I discovered that interruptions were my work." (Henri Nouwen)

dang it. 

You guys, I am not gaining a heart of wisdom as I consider the brevity of life. 

I am not discerning the seasons with my kids.

I'm having a hard time really even noticing them some days. 

Do you ever feel like that? 

It could easily just be me. I'm sort of a jerk sometimes. 

It's been my prayer and hope lately to let the Holy Spirit apply these words to my heart, and teach me in wisdom. 

And can I just tell you, it's been a good, precious and valuable thing. 

I've noticed lego creations and pirate princess birthday parties, where I usually see a mess. 

Lotta twirls around in a circle on her tiptoes every time she gets dressed. 

I never noticed that. 

Fin cracks up at every single one of Caleb's jokes and then spends the day trying to retell those jokes. 

She's really, really funny. 

And it's good to be their mommy.

Right now. 

The old people at the grocery store and the folk singers are right, y'all. 

Enjoy these days because they go by so fast.

Also,

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

Prov. 19:21

yow. 

EM Bounds

There are very few books that have changed my life in the same way that EM Bounds books on prayer have- I'm a lover of books, especially a lover on books dealing with prayer; and pretty much everyone who writes about prayer goes to this guy for their quotes (okay, and the Bible.) 

I've always thought it was super weird that EM Bounds- this spiritual giant in my eyes- served in the confederate army (some say as a chaplain, some say as a general). Like whaaaaat? Abraham Lincoln and EM Bounds were on opposing sides? 

Then I found this this morning: 

Edward McKendree Bounds (1835 - 1913) was a powerful preacher and a well-known minister during the era of America's Civil War. Although he was against aligning himself with either side in that war, having refused to join the Confederate Army initially, the Union Army nevertheless arrested him as a Confederate sympathizer because he pastored a church in Brunswick, Missouri, which was Confederate territory. He was released about a year and half later whereupon it became impossible for him to minister the gospel within the arena of war unless he was given official sanction. Thus, he enlisted as a Confederate Chaplin in the Missouri ranks. He became an immense source of comfort for both Confederate and Union soldiers alike, ministering to either side as the Lord gave him opportunity. It is recorded that one night before a major battle, Bounds was holding a gospel service for a large contingent of Confederate troops encamped along a river. On the other side of the river was the Union Army. When the Union troops across the river discerned that Bounds was holding a service, they began to yell across the river and ask for prayers for various comrades who had been wounded or who were otherwise in need. The Confederate side, under Bounds, warmly received these requests, and yelled back across the river with names of their own injured, thereby soliciting prayers from the Union side. Such was the effect that E. M. Bounds had upon all he ministered to. 

How's that for unity in Jesus' name to God's glory? 

"There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling…" 
(ephesians 4:4)

Maybe we shouldn't freak out so much when we disagree about ultimately dumb stuff. 

jovie's grace.

You know those mornings where you wake up feeling super rested and ready to take on the day? The kids are still snoozing while you make your tea, and you sit down with your Bible in a silent, sleeping, peaceful house? You dig into the word for some meaty and wonderful insight from the Holy Spirit (complete with tears and notes in your journal), totally uninterrupted by anyone screaming or clogging a toilet; and then your precious wee ones tumble down the stairs bright-eyed with sweet smiles and darling bedhead, excited to have whatever cereal you decide to pull from the pantry. As you pour the cereal into their bowls, maybe you're even met with a chorus of "thanks, mom!" The sun is shining,  birds are chirping- the whole world is your oyster! 

Yeah, me neither. 

Instagram lies, friends. 

I'll probably be blaming the time change of two weeks ago for our grouchy attitudes on through the summer, but seriously? My kids are a hot mess lately. 

I've composed this haiku about Jovie just for kicks:

Hot tears. Disaster.

Fists pound. Voice ragged. Distress.

"Mom! Fin looked at me!" 

That was this morning. 

All morning. 

Finally, after three timeouts and multiple forced apologies (from Jovie, to Lotta and Fin) I realized that this girl and I needed to ask Jesus for help. 

Why am I so slow to do that?

We sat down in her room and held hands. I asked Jesus to help us to be kind to one another, to give us good words to share with each other, and for Lotta and Finlee to love Jovie and vice-verse. Then Jovie prayed. 

"Jesus. I have a sad heart today.

Please give me a happy one.

I love you.

The end." 

I didn't want to let her little hands go.  

I focus on the doing; she pours her little heart out to Jesus. 
And my four-year old just ripped me a new one.

It. Is. Hard. To. Be. A. Parent. 

I almost missed that. I almost chose timeout (again) over bringing my kid to Jesus. 

I'm not telling this story to brag or boast in my awesome parenting skills, because I am lame. The chiefest of lame sinner moms, right here.  I miss most of these opportunities. I tell Caleb stupid things like "you need to just change your attitude and get over it," a hundred times a day. I wish I was the "hey buddy, let's ask Jesus to give us a right heart in this right now" mom, but I'm just not there. Especially when it involves homework and chores. 

My precious little people need the same new mercies and grace to deal with their day as I do. Who hasn't ever met the day with a sad heart? Jovie does. So do I. Where my wisdom says "just try harder to be good," the Holy Spirit would remind us "my burden is easy and my load is light;" the difference between a sad heart and a happy one. Only the gospel is the power of God unto salvation. 

My kids have got children's ministry, Bible time and worship songs coming out their ears; and I praise God for that. We've got shelves and shelves of amazing books, rich in testimony and theology. But none of that takes the place of the gospel, communicated and demonstrated daily in our home. 

Lord, that we would hold little hands and pray precious prayers with our kids. 

veggie tales truth.

This morning I did dishes with a "beautiful cupcake ballerina." (It was Finlee.)  

At lunch I ate chicken strips with three princess cowgirls. 

The dress-up bin in our house gets more use than any of the other bins, and I absolutely love it. 

We have these little girls who are vibrant, passionate, creative and hopeful. 

Why not be a princess doctor with a tutu, sunglasses, Lightening McQueen backpack and cupcake beanie? 

I know I would. 

I've been thinking and praying about the memory verse we're doing with the kids at church this week, and on Thursday I realized that there was a really kind word straight from Jesus to me- like these memory verses aren't just for the kids. 

Shocker. 

Our memory verse is a classic, tried and true Sunday School fave: I Samuel 16:7:

"People judge the outward appearance, but the LORD sees the heart."

I might sound crazy right now, but I'm just gonna level with you when I say this: 

I do not usually remember that or live like that. 

I am a mom. I feel (and usually look) like one. 

Tired. 

Busy. 

Maybe I only put mascara on one eye. 

Not stylish. 

I probably just yelled (or am currently yelling) at one of my kids.

Preoccupied. 

Hungry. 

And I realized this week that while I spend much of my time thinking of the things I either need to do, or the things that I don't do well enough; I haven't spent very much time just remembering that God loves me. 

I know it sounds simple and I sound a little bit nuts, but isn't it so good to remember that the God of heaven and earth rejoices over you with singing? That in the midst of laundry, whining and dinner planning God has thoughts for you more numerous than the sand? While we might experience every single emotion under the sun throughout the day, we have a high priest who sympathizes with us, all because He loves us. 

Savor that, friends. 

You might be wearing old jeans and a baggy sweatshirt, wishing that you had more time to workout because you hate how your pants fit. 

Maybe you wish you were just a little more organized, 

more spiritual, more patient, more educated, 

better at budgeting, better at cleaning, better at planning, 

with more ability or money or passion, 

but God loves you. 

He designed you with the very gifts and talents that you need for right now. 

He thinks of you and understands the difficulties of your day. 

He has a plan and hopes and dreams for your life, and He's not done. 

God loves you in a way that's vast, passionate and sure. 

God made you special and He loves you very much. 
Bob and Larry were right. 

I know that we have a jillion things going on, and lots of people to remember stuff for and think about (and I need to put mascara on the eye I missed), 

but no matter how things appear on the outside of things,

the LORD sees your heart, He cares and He's working. 

"She watches over the ways of her household,

And does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise up and call her blessed; 

Her husband also, and he praises her; 

Many daughters have done well, 

But you excel them all.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,

But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised."

(prov. 31:26-30)

resolve.

I'm not really one for New Years Resolutions. And seeing as how it's January 4th and I missed the boat   on all that (we all had the death-flu for daaaaaaaaays), this works out. 

I'm going to be extremely honest (and a little self-deprecating) right now and just hope that you understand and will still like me at the end of this (hopefully short and sweet) post. 

I love clothes. 

All of them.

I'm not a hoarder or anything (I mean, come on); I get rid of stuff pretty often, but I love to buy clothes. 

If you know me, you know this is true. 

Stripes (swoon), plaid (oh, big swoon), corduroy (be still my heart), floppy hats and beanies and scarves and skirts and skirts and more skirts and cardigans and dresses and denim (oh, so much denim). Flowers and tribal and neon…. we're like a happy little family. 

Did I have a rough day with the kids? Forever 21 can fix that. Am I excited for a family vacation? I'll celebrate at H&M. Anxious? Target! Frustrated? Old Navy! Hungry? The Gap! Super pissed off at the world? Anthropologie for sure. (Only Anthro for that.)

My TV keeps telling me that I'm doing that I'm doing the right thing. And yes, that chunky cable knit sweater will make all of the problems of life just fade away into the (charcoal grey, please)  background. 

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I think my TV is wrong. 

Because self-gratification hasn't solved any of my problems. I just feel bloated. 

I've been chewing on this chunk from 2 Peter (1:5-9) for the last 6-7 months: 

"But for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. 

For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our LORD Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these things is short-sighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins." 

It would be very easy for me to make an "I'm just gonna try to do better at this stuff and smile more" resolution for 2014, and that would be nice. But I'm getting to a point in life where I need some of that meat and potatoes hearty resolve to make a change and be active in actually denying my flesh, laying down my life and taking up my cross. It's a good practice (and one I've sorta lost in there somewhere) to say "no" to yourself. Even in something as silly as not buying clothes. (Gotta start somewhere, right?) 

So there it is: 

2014. No new clothes (shoes, hats, bandanas) for me. 

If I want something new, I can thrift it or make it. 

For the whole year. 

Please be my friend and hold me accountable. 

Because you know what happens when May rolls around… tank tops and sundresses and wedge sandals…. 

wrappin it up.

This past year was a big one for us, in ways that were new and unexpected. 

It's funny- this is the first year in five years that we didn't have any more kids, move to a new state,  change jobs, or buy a house. 

Which makes me think we're either super spazzy or horrible planners. Or we just really love change and transition. Huh.  

Anyhoo, I've never done a year-end wrap up kinda thing, but there's a first time for everything, right?

There's a hymn that I refer to as a "Ricky Bender Classic,"  one of my husband's go-to's when he leads worship, walks through Target, gives the kids a bath, waits in an elevator, washes the dishes, drives a semi-truck, and you get the idea: 

What a Friend We Have in Jesus.  

If there's one song that sums up our 2013 with Jesus, this is it.  

What a Friend we have in Jesus, 

all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry 

everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit, 

O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry 

everything to God in prayer. 

We started the year unsure of whether or not we were supposed to be planting a church out here in Colorado. The only thing we knew for certain in our mission here was that the LORD had called us here specifically to pray for this land. But (little soap-box moment)  being a couple who loves God's word and prays for your city doesn't make you a church-planter, pastor or worship leader. It makes you a Christian. 

There was one thing as January kicked off that we purposed to be very intentional in:  praying together every night after the kids were (gloriously) in bed. The kind of praying together that involves open Bibles and knees on the floor. We needed vision! And while we weren't getting the green light in planting a church, the friendship and nearness of the Holy Spirit in those night-time prayer meetings was (and is) a tremendous blessing. In the absence of a church family and pastor, we were desperately asking the Holy Spirit Himself to come and disciple us in the things and the places He was setting before us. Truly, what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer! 

Have we trials and temptations? 

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged; 

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful 

who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness; 

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, 

cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge, 

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do your friends despise, forsake you? 

Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In His arms He’ll take and shield you; 

you will find a solace there.

This is where some of the new (to us) stuff came in. Together, Ricky and I have weathered  trials common in the first years of marriage and kids- the empty bank accounts,  broken down cars, getting laid off, sleepless nights with puking kids, black widow bites, terrible work schedules, unexpected medical bills- you know, life as a grown-up. But I wouldn't say that we had ever sympathized with Jesus as the Man of sorrows- we've never had relational trials and hardships. Sorry if I sound like a real jerk right now, but we like people and people generally like us. Being despised, rejected and basically thought poorly of by friends isn't familiar territory. 

Until this year. 

We experienced the rejection of friends with whom we had shared meals, clothes, books, money and music. People who had at one time met us in tears in our living room asking for prayer now despised us, because we had shared a word from the LORD that was difficult to hear.  Our hearts were broken as we became the "bad guys" to people that we still deeply loved and prayed over; we were accused of silly things covered up with Bible terms and it hurt. It sounds kind of terrible, but the confirmation of God's word to us for a specific group of  people was thrilling, whether it was well-received or not.  When we allowed Jesus to meet us in that painful rejection we met our Crucified King as the Man of sorrows. 

The Man who was "despised and rejected by men and acquainted with grief," (Isaiah 53.3) and who was willing to "make Himself of no reputation… He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even death of the cross. " (Phil. 2.7) Jesus became a curse for us because it's written "Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree." (Gal.3.13) We learned this year that your reputation is an incredibly hard thing to lay down. 

Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the LORD in prayer. In His arms He'll take and shield you, you will find a solace there. 

In the midst of what could have been such a lonely and crummy time, the comfort and solace of the LORD brought joy, peace and rest. We were blessed with a little weekend retreat filled with dear friends and precious time in California. There were many tender words from Jesus over the course of the weekend that came in so many ways and through so many people- again, the nearness of the Holy Spirit and His willingness to meet us with comfort and encouragement was a treasure.

As we prayed one night in Oxnard with some friends, there was a great word that cut straight to our hearts from I Kings 19 in the best way possible. In this chapter Elijah feels totally alone in Israel as the one and only man left who's zealous for the LORD, ("I alone am left; and they seek to take my life!") and the LORD lets Elijah know that he isn't alone- there are seven thousand people in Israel still worshipping the LORD. Those were words that made our souls sing. (Thank you, friends.)

And it's true- we weren't and we aren't alone at all! We had a summer that was filled with new and precious friendships, meeting on Sunday afternoons to pray at parks around the city of Denver. Our hearts were established and strengthened in God's grace as we waited on the LORD and sought Him together with a group of people that had heard so many of the very same and very specific words from our Father that we had heard over the years that we'd been here. Fellowship brought life, joy and excitement as we prayed for Denver together. 

Ricky had been working on a song for a few months (the first one that he wrote on the banjo) called Pilgrim Song. It's a song about faith, hope and ultimately heaven- all about how we're pilgrims and sojourners, looking to the city who's Builder and Maker is God (Heb. 11.10). How fitting that we ended up at Pilgrim City Church. 

Now we find ourselves at the start of a new year incredibly excited and blessed with a church and family that we love tremendously, with friends who are as transparent, real and honest as friends can be. The legit Bible teaching that we've been craving since we moved out here is a reality (huge sigh of relief) and there's a humble like-mindedness in ministry that's breath-taking. I've been praying Romans 12.9-16 for our church home out here for a couple of years, and the ways that the LORD has answered those prayers so personally…. it's beautiful. 

The Divine Friendship with Jesus over the course of this year has been the truest and dearest gift that we could know on this side of heaven. And we have much to look forward to, amen? 

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised 

Thou wilt all our burdens bear

May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to 

Thee in earnest prayer.

Soon in glory bright unclouded there 

will be no need for prayer

Rapture, praise and endless worship 

            will be our sweet portion there.    

Amen!We h

Amen!

                                     

photo-cred the amazingly talented neighbor, friend and one of my favorite people in all of Colorado, Vanessa Kruse. http://vanessakruse.com/blog/

kivengere.

I read this in the wee hours of the morning, and I've been chewing on it for much of today. 

This is a quote from Bishop Festo Kivengere (1919-1988), a man often referred to as "the Billy Graham of Africa." He said this right before persecution in Uganda by President Idi Amin drove him from Uganda:

"Revival doesn't come to respectable Christians. If you think that because you're a good church member, or because you belong to such and such organization, you're going to be revived you had better forget it. The basis of revival is men and women shattered by their failures- aware that all is not well, helpless to do anything about it…. The church is like our African grasslands, where I herded cattle as a boy. Huge fires roar over it, and the land looks black and dead. But immediately after the first rain, the grass springs up more luxuriantly than ever. The plains turn green and the cows fatten. No fire passing over the church can destroy the seeds of victorious faith. And the church in Uganda today is springing up, rich, green and growing." 

I love that. 

Let's pray for the persecuted church and their seeds of victorious faith. 

And let's repent of our "respectable Christianity."  

The quote is from the book,  A God-Sized Vision- Revival Stories that Stretch and Stir. It's crazy good.